My Life as a Semicolon ; ): Divination

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Divination

Jamie and the boys went up north to see friends and her father, so I spent New Year's Eve and am spending New Year's Day on my own. No, that is not sad.I like the quiet and think it's good for me.

I'm not saying I make the best choices when left to my own devices (McDonald's for dinner), but mostly I just had a peaceful evening, watched a movie that played to my strengths (melancholy, humor, and mulling), and was in bed by 10:00.

I awoke too early this morning (around 6:00), thinking I could hear the dog pacing downstairs, possibly getting himself in trouble. I was also eager to get up and try something new. I'd heard a story earlier this week on NPR, and thought this year I'd try Molybdomancy over the usual ritualized contemplation of my inadequacies. Yes, I have resolutions to exercise more and lose weight and be less angry, but what's the true value of screaming self- and society-imposed goals into the wind at the beginning of each year just so we can mourn our failures at the end? Case in point, while uncertainty is 98% of parenting, I've recently noticed a disturbing new viral media phenomenon which seems precisely designed to prey upon parental insecurities. It's the parenting expectations equivalent of unreasonable, airbrushed body images for girls:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/people-who-are-really-nailing-this-parenting-thing
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/coolest-parents-ever-adorably-recreate-famous-movie-scenes-w

I don't know that I believe in fate or destiny or pre-determination; but I do know that much of what will happen over this coming year is out of my hands (not all, but much). On January 1, 2010, I certainly didn't know that my primary resolution should be to survive the year (Mission Accomplished). Anywho, as I often now do, I took to Amazon, looking to procure small amounts of lead and predict the year's shape. Here's what I came up with:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0006B7ENY/ref=oh_details_o04_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I wasn't quite sure how suitable a 4.5mm BB would be, in terms of producing an appropriately-shape-shifting amount of molten lead, but it seemed worth a shot (no pun). I was also under the impression it would be relatively easy to melt a small ball. But you know what happens when you assume. Here's a play-by-play of my morning:

Confirmed dog was okay and let him outside to "go" (10 degrees -- brrr).
Changed my office calendar from 2013 island scenes to 2014 Hubble telescope deep space images. (Wyatt won't look at it, because the vastness of space freaks him out ever since we watched a documentary about black holes).
Contemplated making instant coffee -- to some a cry for help.
Started real coffee percolating (yes, we have a percolator), thinking that would give me plenty of time to melt my ball. Ha.
Let cold dog inside after he'd done his business.
Selected a rarely-used spoon as the smelting receptacle and filled rarely-used plastic container with cold water (to cool my ominous [as in omen] sculpture).
Selected a bb and rolled it around in my hand, imbuing it with my energy.
Dropped and retrieved said energy-imbued ball.
Placed the ball in the curve of the spoon, which was hanging over the lip of the kitchen counter, held in place by the weight of a roasted peanut container (counter-balance [no pun] is key to one-handed heating).
Heated the underside of the spoon with a long lighter.
When the previous technique yielded no obvious results, applied direct heat to the lead with aforementioned lighter.
Realizing the lighter wasn't working and beginning to run out of butane, I lit the "bookstore-scented" candle I'd purchased as a companion to Jamie's Christmas Kindle.
Held candle beneath the spoon.
Realizing I couldn't just stand there all morning, I picked up the spoon, intending to rest it atop the candle flame, and proceeded to drop the ball. While it had not begun to melt, I did learn that it was getting quite hot.
Rested spoon over candle flame, ran fingers under cold water, picked up stray bb, placed bb back in spoon ("Edwina, back in bowl!" Wilk?)
Hopefully set kitchen timer for five minutes.
Ate cold pizza for breakfast (not sad or a cry for help) and started writing this entry.
Returned to kitchen, which, disappointingly, did not smell like a bookstore.
No change after 5 mins. with the candle; moved spoon to small stove burner, dropping and retrieving ball again.
Set timer for another 5 mins.
Took pills with coffee and heavy cream (out of milk).
No change to ball; timer for 5 mins.
Kept writing.
Ball looking a little soft;timer for 5 mins.
spoon starting to melt; ball softer; timer for 5 mins.
Using pot holder, put spoon in cold water.
Doing so made a satisfying, "Hissssss".
The lead stayed stuck to spoon, except for some particles which swirled aimlessly in the water (Perhaps that's the start of my prognostication? Aren't we all just dust in the wind, debris in space?).
Set timer for 5 mins of cooling.
scraped what was left of the bb off spoon and got my presumptive forecast for the year. My interpretation of the shape (see below) is that of a flounder. I suppose there are a number of ways to interpret that: That I'll move awkwardly, uncertainly; that I'll become or meet a bottom feeder, that things are "looking up" (Because flounder's eyes are on top of their heads, get it?).

Who knows what the future holds? If this morning is any indication, determination and ingenuity will take me far. Or, at least give me lead poisoning.

The Year of the Flounder

2 comments :

dmw3:09 PM, January 01, 2014
All of Me, duh. Happy 2014 Ken.
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Jandi6:00 PM, January 01, 2014
I must admit, being such a word nerd, I'm ashamed to have never heard about Molybdomancy. I am utterly fascinated with it now, of course, and have done all measure of Wiki & Google related research on it to find out more.

You never cease to amaze me, Ken, for all the right reasons. Fantastic piece, today. Wishing you much success, rest, humor, and love this year. Happy New Year, my friend.
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My Life as a Semicolon ; )

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Divination

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Totally Achievable Bucket List (post-surgery edition)

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Activities	Immediately after Stroke(early Oct. 2010)	When I left MGH/arrived at NERHP(mid-Oct. 2010)	When I left the rehab (12/21/10)	Now (02/21/13)
Eating	I started with an an NG-Tube, which was inserted during my original surgery and soon was given a G-tube, during a separate surgery. My primary source of nutrients was called Jevity, which is not as much fun or tastyas it sounds.I actually have no idea what it tastes like, but it looks and smells like a combination of coffee milk and Yoo-Hoo	Still on an all-liquid diet of Jevity through my feeding tube.	Early in my stay at the rehab, I took a Modified-Barium-Swallow test with my speech therapist in order to confirm that the stroke had not damaged my ability to swallow or my gag reflex. After passing the test, I was allowed to eat solid food, though even that came in stages. For instance, I rememberthe first group of foods were "mechanical soft" and I drank "nectar thick" liquids"	I try to eat a healthy diet and have no specific restrictions.
Therapy	approximately one hour a day of OT and PT.	approximately three hours a day of OT, PT, and speech therapy (speech encompasses talking, drinking, eating, and cognitive functions.	approximately three hours a day of OT and PT. I was discharged from speech therapy relatively early on, once it was determined that my cognition, speech, and swallowing were relatively fine	After leaving inpatient at the rehab, I began outpatient OT and PT twice a week and also had in-home OT and PT twice a week. after receiving the results of my neuropsych evaluation, speech therapy was added back in. I then had to eliminate some therapy in order to free up time for my return to work. In 2012 I did no formal OT or PT but tried other forms of therapy like chiropractic and Feldenkrais. I am also going to try craniosacral therapy. I've regularly seen a psychologist throughout my recovery.
Walking	None	None	walking with close supervision and the support of an AFO brace and quad cane	walking independently, with the support of a KAFO brace and a straight cane, now equipped with a standing tip(which I love). I periodically walk without cane or brace, when the occasion calls for it (like carrying something).
Toileting	during my original surgery, I was given a Foley cath– an internal catheter – which remained in place for quite a while. It think after not producing enough in my catheter bag, I was given another internal catheter – this time a Straight cath. They can only stay in for relatively short time,I think, so I was granted the opportunity to try aTexas Condom Cath. After that proved unsuccessful, I was given what was simply called a Urinal, but which I referred to as my "pee jug"	Urinal	urinal at night, toilet during the day	all toilet all the time; no assistance required
Bathing	bed/sponge baths	bed/sponge baths,though after about two weeks inpatient at the rehab, I started showering periodically with assistance	showering, seated, with minimal assistance	showering, seated, with no assistance, standing with some assistance
Dressing	maximum assistance required	maximum assistance required	some assistance required	no assistance required, except with some jackets and zippers
Balance	could not stand or sit up straight	could not stand or sit up straight	could stand and sit for short periods of time	can stand and sit without assistance for relatively long stretches of time
Left Leg/Foot	no movement	no movement	large movement from hip and quad.weak in hamstring. no movement in ankle or toes	still weak in hamstring, but much stronger in leg overall. Some ankle motion, but nothing in my toes.
Left Arm/Hand	no movement	no movement	large movements from the shoulder and bicep. Some hand grip. No finger extension.	similar to when I left the rehab, though large movements are easier and my grip is a bit stronger.
Speech	Little and/or slurred	slurred Jamie often remarked that I had a "flat affect."	relatively clear.	most people say they don't notice any issues with my speech, but I still notice some slurring when I raise my voice (which, of course, never happens in a house with two young boys) or when I try to string together too many thoughts or syllables at once; I can't seem to whistle like I used to, my pitch is a little off when singing; and I can't curl my tongue anymore.
Pain	negligible	negligible	negligible	headaches periodically, but no general pain
Aneurysm	primarily removed	no change	no change	as far as we know, no change
Seizures	gone	no change	no change	gran-Mal seizure while sleeping, in August 2012.
Skull	a portion was missing (on purpose)	no change	cranioplasty completed	scars are healing well. There are some "irregularities" in how the plates have healed, especially with the plastic skull flap. That's not unusual. Sensation is returning to areas of my scalp where nerves were severed during surgeries. Sometimes this can cause odd sensations, but not pain per se. I do have some pain when yawning.
Medication	antiseizure meds,Heparin anti-clotting shots to my belly (which is standard for bedridden patients), beta blocker for high blood pressure, though, that was primarily a reaction to my heart episode, not an actual issue with high blood pressure; Lipitor to lower cholesterol, though, that also was prescribed primarily in reaction to my heart episode and the stroke. Baclofen for spasticity.	no change	no change	I'm no longer on the beta blocker, since my blood pressure has stabilized. I've also reduced my Lipitor intake, because my liver enzymes were not reacting well with it.Since I am no longer in bed as much, I did not need the Heparin shots once I returned home. Anti-seizure meds were increased after my 2012 seizure. Lexapro for mild depression.
Heart	some sort of heart episode had occurred, but no direct cause – other than brain surgery – was identified	no change	chemical stress test did not identify any long-term damage caused by heart attack or risk factors for future concerns	no change
Falls	None, though if I had been left alone, I certainly would've fallen over	same	no falls during my time at the rehab, though, I had a couple close calls during transfers from my wheelchair, or when trying to move too quickly	I've had a few falls at home, up through 2012, but have also regularly practiced getting up from the floor during PT. I have to be cautious but not fear falls
Wheelchair	the only way I could be moved was by wheelchair or gurney, primarily gurney	same	I did use the wheelchair for "long"trips down the hall.	When first at home, the wheelchair was the easiest way to get me around or in and out of the house and car. I no longer use it except on excursions that would require a great deal of walking, such as at the airport.
Stairs	None	same	some use of "practice stairs." And actual stairwells, always with supervision	when first at home, I stayed on the ground floor of the house at all times, but now go upstairs to sleep and shower, as well as down to the basement for exercise. I still mostly go one step at a time (as opposed to stepping "reciprocally"), but only need supervision when there is no railing on my right side – up or down. Regularly exercise at work by reciprocally climbing three flights of stairs.
Driving	none	same	same	Car modified for one-handed operation, I got my license back at the end of January 2013.
Sleep	this fight, the noise of the hospital, I generally slept okay. I was pretty exhausted and at times still groggy from anesthesia.	same	I went through some periods of sleeplessness due to noise in the rehab and was given some sleeping aids, which helped.	I've been sleeping pretty well, aside from typical interruptions of young children. Diagnosed with mild sleep apnea in February 2013.
Work	none	none	none	From 7/11 through 12/11, ramped up from part-time at home to fulltime from home . From 1/12-6/12, ramped up from part-time in the office to fulltime in the office, which continues.
Mood	upset by my circumstances but generally positive	same	same	I think working has given me a boost to a certain extent. I try to be positive, though certainly get frustrated at times. I'm also on Lexapro, in part because a study showed a connection between SSRIs and neurological healing. At worst, the study found that patients were less depressed and more motivated to work toward recovery.
Exercise	Little to none	same	I considered all therapy to be exercise.	Again, therapy has been exercise. Without formal therapy, I do regular stretching and have recently added a treadmill to our inventory of equipment. This will hopefully help improve my stamina in preparation for time in the office, as well as help me focus on walking pace and form. I've also been using ourWii balance board, which includes fun, but safe ways for me to put my balance to the test.
Tactile sensitivity	slightly diminished– if tested subtly, for instance, with a Q-tip, I could not easily identify which finger on my left hand was being touched.	same	improved	relatively normal, though I am somewhat hypersensitive to heat and cold.