Sunday, October 24, 2010

I miss my old life

Last night Wyatt, our oldest, asked if I was staying home today. I told him, no, that I needed to be with Dada for some of the day. He began to cry and said, "I miss my old life". Not an easy thing to hear your five year old say. Especially when it's not in the middle of a tantrum about toys, TV, or playing another round of the same game you've just played for the 18,000th time. It was real in a way that I couldn't change, or make better, or even explain to him. We spent the morning at the beach yesterday. Went out for breakfast, then walking on the beach. We met a colossal yellow lab named Ringo, who taught them a brand new way of digging sand involving what amounts to a sandstorm and getting out of the way. It was wonderful, and exactly what we needed. I miss them. But I was reminded of the summer walking along the same beach with Ken. We knew this was happening by then. I took pictures of them on the rocks, had my sister take pictures of us all. Just in case.
It's a hard place to be. Knowing that I have to believe that he is going to be walking on that beach again. And, for the record, I do. Not knowing how long that's going to take is frustrating. Knowing that this is hurting my kids and Ken, and feeling I can't do that much for them, well, sucks. And blah, blah, blah I am not a martyr. This sucks for me, too. But I know why I am doing it. K is the one living in his body. My boys are the ones who are going through their first real kick in the arse. You know the one, where for the first time you realize, "oh, hold it. This is also how life can work? This is big stuff, me no like . . . huh, I'll need to readjust how I thought the world worked". And we'll get through, and we are getting through. I am, we are readjusting. I just don't want anything or anyone falling down too far while we do. You know?


  1. Hi Jamie...thank you for sharing with all of us who love you and your family. You are such a strong woman, and we are all so lucky to know you. The boys have amazing parents and grandparents and will be okay. I'm sure you all miss your old life! I am just so grateful that Ken is recovering and has so much love and support surrounding him.

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  3. Love is stronger than all the troubles and things we miss. Even when we are 5 years old. You as a family are an inspiration to us all. Your honesty in your struggle, your love through all of this and your dedication to each other and the kids is what is moving us all to be better people in our own lives. I wish you did not have to be this example for us... but you are and I find I am not only more in love with you Jamie (for all you are doing), But also Ken (for his determination and spirit) & the kids (for still being able to run and laugh). Life has given you all a big challenge and as hard as this is for each of you... your love for each other carries you to these beautiful places. And I am honored that I am here for parts of it.

  4. I miss your old life for you guys, too! Your new life is strong in love (just like the old one) and long on hard work, for everyone in your family. I, too, am fully confident that your family will ALL be walking on the beach in the future. I wish I could tell you when, to ease the frustration of the unknown and the pain of waiting. I wish there were more I could do for you. Please keep asking for our help, when you think of specific things we can do!
    love, Amy K.

  5. Though all of this isn't fair, the boys will be fine. They're surrounded by love, and that will make all the difference. They couldn't be going through this with better parents than you and Ken.